Dear Army Girlfriend: Insider Advice on How to Thrive

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If I could somehow go back in time to speak to the younger version of me- when I began dating my husband, I would have endless amounts advice to give myself about being an Army girlfriend.

In general, beginning a relationship can prove to have its ups and downs- but I would argue that adding the military aspect to any relationship elevates the number of difficulties you must endure together with your partner, and you may face many barriers when establishing trust.

Allow me to explain why.

My experience as a girlfriend

• During our initial date my husband decided that was the appropriate time to tell me that he had a military training that he was required to attend in another state, which would keep him away for 8 weeks. The kicker was, he would be leaving the following week.
  
  This particular situation isn’t an uncommon occurrence to those in the military.
  
  I quickly had to make a decision based on that first date whether this was a relationship worth pursuing and that he was someone I would essentially wait for.
  
  Spoiler alert- he asked me out on 3 more dates that same week, prior to him leaving and now, 11 years later, we are happily married.

• There is a notion that military girlfriends are non-permanent fixtures to a soldier.
  
  This sort of harsh understanding came whenever I had been introduced to other soldier’s spouses during unit events. There had been such reluctance to acknowledge me as a serious partner. I wasn’t invited to coffee meetups, or any supportive spouses’ groups.
  
  This was feeling was reinforced when I attended my first military ball and the place setting beside my then boyfriend had read ‘girlfriend’ rather than my name. I looked around at other tables and observed that there had been a ‘Mrs.’ written on the spouse’s place settings.
  
  Still, I made light of it and joked that my title is ‘girlfriend.’
  
  I will add that these were my own personal experiences and possibly a result from the set of Army wives I encountered.
  
• I found that there was a profound lack of support or outreach to the Army girlfriend when a soldier is either deployed or on long TDY (temporary duty assignment) trips.
  
  My husband had deployed and left on extended TDY trips around the world, on countless occasions during the time we were dating. He provided my contact information each time, both for support outreach and in case of emergencies.
  
  You might guess how frequently I’d been contacted by other Army spouses or unit support groups. Never- despite actual emergency situations that arose where I should have been privy to information, as it was occurring.
  
  Instead, I would find out details about events or incidents whenever my husband was able to finally contact me.
  
• The spouses that were in my husband’s unit showed a huge reluctance to befriend me or include me in their frequent get-togethers, coffee meetups, shopping dates, etc.
  
  I’d even overheard a conversation between a few wives huddled together asking one another who I was, and one mentioned that I had been ‘someone’s girlfriend.’ To hear a reply, ‘oh, okay.’ Yet, neither one of them actually approached me to introduce themselves.
  
• There was a sense of being judged for not being readily available to complete tasks for my soldier- such as picking up his dry cleaning, dropping off items to his workplace, etc. You know, wifey things?
  
  I’d established a nursing career prior to dating my husband and had been actively pursuing a higher education. Time was a precious commodity and I made large efforts to keep a health balance between work, my education, and my then Army boyfriend.

Despite the crash course introduction to the military world, I maintained a hopeful attitude about finding my own tribe of Army spouse/girlfriends. I noted experiences and took with me lessons of what not to do, and how not to treat those who are new to the military partner perspective.

The Distinction Between Girlfriend vs. Wife- My Transition

After 3 and a half years of dating, my husband proposed. We were set to PCS to Ft. Sill, Oklahoma, forcing me to leave my home state.

We married while we were stationed at Ft. Sill 6 months later and thus began my insight into the Army life as a spouse.

I found that Army wives receive a great deal of support resources compared to a girlfriend. Family readiness groups have systems in place to provide information quickly to spouses while their soldiers are away. Family emergencies are better tracked, allowing soldiers to return to their spouses if required.

You can locate supportive counseling, assistance with managing home when soldiers are away, and other resources with much more ease.

There are dedicated wives’ groups that meet for coffee while their husbands are away- even Facebook Army wives group pages where you aren’t allowed entry unless you are a spouse.

I was surprised at what the transition of becoming a soldier’s wife entailed. There is an abundance of resources available to military spouses that I could not access as a girlfriend. The roles within my relationship didn’t change- only an addition of a marriage license.

The difference was made abundantly clear between an Army girlfriend and spouse. Both soldiers and their wives placed Army girlfriends low on the hierarchal scheme of the Army family. Labeled a transient perhaps- a temporary fixture. Harsh, I know. However, I was forced to see things in this light.

Although my experience was a frustrating- learning that military girlfriends are commonly viewed/treated this way, the value of my relationship itself exceeded these experiences. Ultimately, it had all been worth it as I am married to an incredible man who I both love and respect.

Advice I Wish I Had Been Given

Today, I have a more comprehensive understanding of being an Army girlfriend and spouse.

The focus of your relationship with your military partner should always be centered around the relationship itself and not the added barriers and difficulties that the military aspect brings. Still, these must be acknowledged and addressed to achieve a healthy and balanced relationship while one partner is in the military.

The partner that I have evolved into after 11 years would advise the naive military girlfriend, I had been with the following helpful tips to surviving this lifestyle:

• You aren’t alone, although it may seem like it. There are other girlfriends with shared experiences for you to befriend and gain support from. Not to mention, military spouses who are prepared to give you guidance and additional support as well.
• Not all experiences will be the same. Sure, I provided examples of negative experiences I’d had. But there were good experiences and lessons to be learned during this timeframe.
• You will encounter positive minded and kind people that do not regard you as ‘just a girlfriend.’ Including military wives who remember that they were once a girlfriend themselves. Seek these people out. You can read my blog post about finding your supportive Army tribe here.
• People cope with their experiences with the military lifestyle differently. Perhaps be more acknowledging of the fact that these spouses may have had to endure some hardships and experiences as they support their soldier.
• Find positive ways to deal with long distances apart from your military partner. You can find a prior blog post detailing the ways of coping with long distances here.
• Find a balance between the military lifestyle and your friends outside of the military.
• Seek out Facebook pages local to your soldier’s duty station for supportive groups. In all honesty, while many of these pages attempt at vetting who is a spouse and who is not, you can still gain access to these groups and do not necessarily need to disclose that you are a girlfriend vs spouse. If I had to do it over again, I would have sought these out sooner, as a means for support.
• Sometimes you meet people that intentionally ascribe to the hierarchal statuses of their military spouse and assume their status as their own. Avoid these sorts of people and again, seek out the kind or like-minded spouses/partners.
• From the inception of your relationship ensure that you have your own set of goals and career path that you are working towards. It can be a challenge, but don’t assume your partners career and make it your entire focus.
• If you are unhappy with the people you are surrounded by within your boyfriend’s unit, fear not, you will get an opportunity to meet new groups of people when your soldier changes units or are forced to PCS. Additionally, those spouses that you may not care for will likely also PCS within a matter of time. You are not stuck with them!
• Communicate what you are experiencing with your military partner. The chances are they have observed the unfair treatment and can either address it or be conscious and supportive of you when placed in situations where you encounter rotten people.

Summary

This lifestyle is a tough one to find yourself thrown into when you find yourself dating someone who is in the military.

You aren’t limited to repeatedly feeling uncomfortable or unsupported as a military girlfriend. There are resources that you have available to you, and plenty of people who have a shared experience of their own as a military girlfriend. Seek these individuals out and in turn you may find yourself being able to be supportive of other girlfriends that are having difficulty.

There are good experiences that you will find as a military girlfriend and many lessons to be learned. If your relationship itself is worth it, then remain hopeful and quickly discern which individuals are supportive and who you may need to steer clear from.

You are more than ‘just a girlfriend’ to your military partner and you don’t need others to validate that.

If you have helpful suggestions that you would like to share, please do so in the comments below.