Be a Lifeline: 10 Simple Ways to Support Your Friends During IVF

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Struggling with infertility is quite heartbreaking and can feel very isolating. Sometimes the actions and commentary we receive from the well-meaning people closest to us can unintentionally lead to feelings of shame, frustration, and anger.

If you know someone affected by pregnancy loss, or infertility issues it is important to be supportive. This means that you must be self-aware of your words and actions as they may negatively impact your loved one.

The personal experience my husband and I have had with infertility proved that those who care about us are still capable of being unempathetic and hurtful in how they show their support. Here are some gentle reminders of how you can show your support to those who are facing difficulties conceiving.

1. Don’t tell them to just be patient, it will happen in time.
   While at the surface it may sound like an encouraging sentiment, it injects an aspect of minimizing their struggle. Are they truly being impatient, or have they been unable to conceive for a number of years and have continued to read negative pregnancy tests month after month? The reality is that they have likely been extremely patient, not the opposite.
2. Don’t tell them to stop stressing or thinking about it and you’ll get pregnant.
   Imagine telling someone who has encountered repeated loss that they should stop stressing over it. Instead, suggest strategies for effective self-care, like getting routine massages, eating nutritional foods, getting enough sleep and exercise.
3. Don’t offer advice on how you were able to successfully conceive.
   Often times you’ll encounter people who feel inclined to offer old wives’ tales of ‘how to get pregnant.’ This is neither to appropriate time nor is it applicable to someone undergoing infertility treatment. It can be frustrating to hear someone talk about their superstitious beliefs about pregnancy, and their remedies to infertility. Allow them to receive advice from professionals who are better equipped to guide them through their infertility struggles.
4. Don’t overshare your past experiences with infertility and neglect to listen to their current struggles.
   It’s perfectly alright to share your experiences with someone who appears to being going through similar circumstances. But take careful note of social cues and whether they are being receptive to your input. Perhaps this is a time for listening, rather than communicating your own struggles.
5. Don’t offer your pity.
   Be a shoulder to cry on. Offer your condolences when your loved one is experiencing loss and going through the ups and downs with IVF. However, be careful not to show pity towards their struggles. They are in need of support, not your pity.
6. Don’t suggest that they can adopt if things don’t work out with IVF.
   Both adoption and IVF is such a personal decision to arrive at. Don’t minimize their choice to proceed with IVF by suggesting alternative options for having children. Leave those sorts of decisions between the hopeful mother and her partner. Listen and be encouraging of their choice.
7. Don’t neglect to recall that the IVF process is long and taxing.
   It may be appropriate to show interest in the IVF process, but it should be known that someone can go through several IVF cycles before they are successful in getting pregnant. A couple undergoing IVF treatment are expending both their financial resources and devoting a lot of time in their hopes of becoming parents.
8. Don’t trivialize their experience with infertility.
   Yes, there are many other difficult experiences that one can endure. But their struggle with infertility is occurring presently and has likely been at the center of their focus. Be mindful of their pain and journey through infertility.
9. Don’t offer your views on why you think someone is lucky that they don’t have children.
   Suggesting there is any appeal to being childless after someone reveals they are experiencing infertility issues is a prime example of having misread the room. It is both insensitive and pointless to advise someone that has the desire to have children that they are lucky they don’t.
10. Don’t ask people who don’t have children if they don’t want them.
    Unless you know them closely, this is a question to avoid entirely. Remember that this decision is an important one made between a couple. Could they be struggling with infertility? If so, this isn’t the appropriate way to ask.

Summary

A general rule with how you can be supportive of someone undergoing IVF treatment is to be kind and mindful of your comments. Do not pry and perhaps try to engage in more active listening rather than injecting your own personal thoughts about pregnancy and infertility.

Couples will need a lot of support from their loved ones- through the successes and failures of their IVF journey. Be encouraging, be sensitive to their struggles, and celebrate with them when the outcome is a successful pregnancy.

If you are struggling with your IVF journey emotionally, please know that there are supportive resources available to you. Contact your provider and be open with your feelings. They will be able to refer you to the appropriate supportive services.

My sincerest thoughts and well wishes to all of those struggling with infertility.